TL; DR -I'm away from deviantart, facebook, reddit, and anywhere else for an unknown amount of time due to bad news about my dad. This is not pretty. It might be triggering. If you don't want to read this, stop now.
I said I'd update this when I felt up to it, so here's an update. This is only going to be posted on deviantart since it is my main social media website.
This is a continuation about my dad and his battle with cancer. In chronological order, here are some other journals about it: here
, here, here & here.
These last few weeks have been hard, but okay. I mean, dad's 'bad' days are really hard to watch but there have always been 'good days' thrown in. The last week though, has been full of 'bad' days. At first it was little things, and then on Thursday night, dad got a migraine. This continued all day Friday, and on Saturday, it was even worse.
Mum called the family doctor for his advice, and he said take my dad to the hospital. My dad, however, hates hospitals. He is deathly scared of going into hospitals because he doesn't want to die there. Anyway. So mum called Palliative Care to get one of their nurses around. After hours of waiting, they got back to us, and dad eventually went to hospital.
He was in the ER all night. The doctors and nurses there were useless. I spent the night looking after my brother, trying to not think about what was going on. Mum got home around 9ish [I think - time is a funny thing with me right now] and was showing off the green whistle dad was on for pain. Not five minutes later, the doctor called mum - she needed to go back.
Protip: When a doctor personally calls you back into the hospital at 9pm, the news is never good.
So she went back. Dad had a CT scan [or something similar] on his head to check for any abnormalities.
Around 11pm, my Nana & Papa came to my place and broke the news to my brother and I. Dad's lung cancer had spread to his brain. The doctors give him between two days and two weeks to live.
Since then, I've been to the hospital everyday. I've slept a lot, but not well. Everything has just shattered into a million pieces and I'm just floating around in a bubble.
Another doctor said that we have more time with dad then proposed, but one clot, or slip up, and he will be gone.
Right now they are trying to get rid of this migraine. It still hasn't gone. After that, they're taking about more Radiation, and treatment plans. We don't expect him to come home though.
So yeah. Right now I'm floating. I don't know what day it is, or what's going on most the time. I'm trying to take things one hour at a time - but even that's a struggle. I have to go to uni tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to do anything. Right now, all I want to do is go back to bed. I don't want to go back to the hospital, but I have to. Because if I don't, the guilt will kill me.
I think I'm dribbling. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. When I'm around people - my mum, dad, brother, sister - I shut down. Because that's the only way to not break down. I need to be strong for all of them. But right now I'm awake - sorta. I'm not shut down. I'm a mess. And I want to get rid of all these words - because if they are said it must be true and happening.
I think I'm going to sleep for a while. My other responsibilities can wait.